I've not only reached my limit.. I've surpassed.
Somehow, when I weighed myself this morning, I was 201. And today after work, I was 209.
That would make sense, on how my clothes were fitting.
yeah, I'm gone. I'm hit, done, finalized, finished, abominable. When I was over 200 before, I had nothing to wear, the most depressed state of my life, miserable, unhealthy, scared, freaked out...
Ditto that now.
Here I am. I watched the scale and saw it coming. 201 to 209 in one day? I must be getting my period. That counts for water-weight. But I'm officially over 200 now. No faking it. No denying it. I have Nothing that fits me. I have an ass. My ass... OMG, do I have an ass.
When Rowan was born, I wondered if he'd stolen my ass while I was pregnant. I really thought, yep, Germanic, no butt-genes. I didn''t know it, but at 171, I don't have an ass. At 201, I do. Big and large and not something you want to look at.
Still.. I want ruffles. I want ice cream.
I don't want to wake up at 6:30 and go running.
I have my plan of attack.
I don't want to do it.
But I can guarantee you... I don't want this ass that I saw in the window this week. It's Monday. I could start TOMORROW, and lose 4lbs by Friday. Get me back below the 200 mark.
LIFE CHANGES.... SUCK.
I'm definitely depressed. But you know what, I can hate this upcoming holiday, hate my boyfriend and everything about my life.. and still get up and do something about it. I could lose 4lbs by Friday. My back needs it. Yeah, my back it trying to go out on me again. No doubt because I have no stomach muscles to hold up the SHITE that is now my big huge body.
I really don't know how 250+ women do it. I have SUCH body problems at 200.
Will I ?
I'll keep you posted. Not much of a bodily change, life-changing blog if I'm not doing anything to better things. At least now you know I'm alive and seriously fat again.
I am a bit fat OLD lady.
You know, Jo, you'd look much sexier if you were smaller. Even just your face.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Beer - does a body bad
You know, one thing I haven't come across in the blogging world is a lot of realistic talk about alcohol. Maybe it's not something I've researched too much. Certainly on the family and weight loss pages, we're not talking too much about alcohol. Maybe no one else drinks. Maybe we just don't feel comfortable talking about it.
Well, I'm gonna talk about it.
I drink beer.
I had my first beer when I was 12. Where some say it's an "acquired taste", it's a taste that's always been okay with me. My sister, drinking her diet coke and Jim Beam, THAT is an acquired taste. I dunno how she does it! YUCK!
I drink beer.
I've never really considered myself a Problematic drinker. I am a social drinker. And probably a little more than that. I will indulge on evenings when I'm alone at night - the kids are down, my partner is gone to work, I'm doing school or various other things... I'll have a few beers. I'll have 6 beers and play computer games. Is that being a loser? I dunno.
The Problem issue, that's not really where I'm going here. I'm going with CALORIES. The sugar, the barley, the whatever makes beer so high in calories... it's not a good drink of choice, if you choose to imbibe. I assume that also what makes beer so "high in calories" is that you don't exactly have one. It's not like having a real Coke at 150 calories and allowing yourself that moment. It's that you drink 3 beers, or 6 beers, or more. Well, there's your calorie intake for most of the day.
I did some painful math today. All along I said that I'd gained weight, 6 months after my son was born, because I'd quit smoking. And while that might be true, it really is because... at the same time I'd quit smoking, I'd started incorporating beer back into my life. After my son was born, it was 2 months before I'd had a beer, then the holidays, and then a good two months of house/school focus before I even went out with girlfriends. 5 months before I even "went drinking", whatever that means.
That I've steadily gained weight, back to my "normal", somewhere between 185-205, that I've been for the past 17years, I really could say is about Beer. I don't really eat differently. I don't eat more. I don't eat worse. I just have more beer. It was summer. It's the weekend. My son is older, I can have a beer at home. Whatever excuses I've had over the past 8 months, they're all related to beer.
And I have the beer gut to show for it. This is NOT baby weight. This is not just weight-gain. I am not a proportionate individual. I have DD boobs, which are just genetic, and I do have the Germanic body of bigger tummy, thin legs, no butt. That is just the way it is. But my belly... this is beer gut.
So... this really needs to be Step #1 for me. I can exercise, I can work on diet, I can drink slimfast and take Hoodia. I can do all these things (that I've done in the past) to TRY to lost weight. But really, I need to cut out the beer. I assume I should do that for more than just the weight issue. But weight is the one we're going to focus on right now. It's an easy one - and a realistic one. If I can't get into jeans I could a while ago, because of the BELLY, and the kiddo is just getting older (meaning, I can't blame it baby weight any longer)... well, there you have it.
beer... does a body bad.
Well, I'm gonna talk about it.
I drink beer.
I had my first beer when I was 12. Where some say it's an "acquired taste", it's a taste that's always been okay with me. My sister, drinking her diet coke and Jim Beam, THAT is an acquired taste. I dunno how she does it! YUCK!
I drink beer.
I've never really considered myself a Problematic drinker. I am a social drinker. And probably a little more than that. I will indulge on evenings when I'm alone at night - the kids are down, my partner is gone to work, I'm doing school or various other things... I'll have a few beers. I'll have 6 beers and play computer games. Is that being a loser? I dunno.
The Problem issue, that's not really where I'm going here. I'm going with CALORIES. The sugar, the barley, the whatever makes beer so high in calories... it's not a good drink of choice, if you choose to imbibe. I assume that also what makes beer so "high in calories" is that you don't exactly have one. It's not like having a real Coke at 150 calories and allowing yourself that moment. It's that you drink 3 beers, or 6 beers, or more. Well, there's your calorie intake for most of the day.
I did some painful math today. All along I said that I'd gained weight, 6 months after my son was born, because I'd quit smoking. And while that might be true, it really is because... at the same time I'd quit smoking, I'd started incorporating beer back into my life. After my son was born, it was 2 months before I'd had a beer, then the holidays, and then a good two months of house/school focus before I even went out with girlfriends. 5 months before I even "went drinking", whatever that means.
That I've steadily gained weight, back to my "normal", somewhere between 185-205, that I've been for the past 17years, I really could say is about Beer. I don't really eat differently. I don't eat more. I don't eat worse. I just have more beer. It was summer. It's the weekend. My son is older, I can have a beer at home. Whatever excuses I've had over the past 8 months, they're all related to beer.
And I have the beer gut to show for it. This is NOT baby weight. This is not just weight-gain. I am not a proportionate individual. I have DD boobs, which are just genetic, and I do have the Germanic body of bigger tummy, thin legs, no butt. That is just the way it is. But my belly... this is beer gut.
So... this really needs to be Step #1 for me. I can exercise, I can work on diet, I can drink slimfast and take Hoodia. I can do all these things (that I've done in the past) to TRY to lost weight. But really, I need to cut out the beer. I assume I should do that for more than just the weight issue. But weight is the one we're going to focus on right now. It's an easy one - and a realistic one. If I can't get into jeans I could a while ago, because of the BELLY, and the kiddo is just getting older (meaning, I can't blame it baby weight any longer)... well, there you have it.
beer... does a body bad.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Day 6
Really... I should just give up.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
I could just "start over", which is essentially what I'm doing. But, I'm still calling this day 6.
Day 6: 199lbs
That's right, 3lb weight gain. Well, I put my kiddo in daycare and kicked my baby-daddy out. It wasn't a great week. I also smoked.
It's a lot to change EVERYTHING about your life all in one week. It's not really possible, but damned if I'm going to try.
SO I'm officially at my highest in 4yrs, still not yet 200lbs, but SO CLOSE it's absolutely terrifying. I will NOT reach 200 again. I will not gain another pound.
Hooray for week two.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
I could just "start over", which is essentially what I'm doing. But, I'm still calling this day 6.
Day 6: 199lbs
That's right, 3lb weight gain. Well, I put my kiddo in daycare and kicked my baby-daddy out. It wasn't a great week. I also smoked.
It's a lot to change EVERYTHING about your life all in one week. It's not really possible, but damned if I'm going to try.
SO I'm officially at my highest in 4yrs, still not yet 200lbs, but SO CLOSE it's absolutely terrifying. I will NOT reach 200 again. I will not gain another pound.
Hooray for week two.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Diversions... already
My goal is to lose weight. We've established this, right?
It's amazing how even on Day ONE, there can be diversions.
I am putting a lot on myself right now because I am unhappy. Unhappy with life in general. But taking a pro-active approach. Weight is right up there with the big ones that I HAVE to change.
BUT, I'm doing a lot more than just trying to lose weight. I'm finishing Graduate school. I've quit smoking. I'm reducing alcohol intake. I'm looking for a job. I've put my one year on in PlayCare, three days a week for three hours a day - to give me more time to do the above things (work out, apply and interview for jobs, go to school).
And my relationship is in an icky place. I asked him yesterday to move out for a bit. Nothing permanent, nothing FOREVER, nothing big. Just some time for us to take a break and get perspective. While we look for counseling options.
Yeah, there's a lot going on.
I don't necessarily want this blog to turn into a rant or ramble about my relationship problems, but I suppose I do have to be honest with myself that there is a lot going on. I have to remain proactive, wake up each day with Goals, little things I can accomplish EACH day, so I feel like I'm succeeding... cause otherwise, it'd be pretty easy to curl up in a little ball under my desk and just hide from life.
I can't do that. No hiding. Embrace! Impower! Change! Make things better! For you, and most definitely, for the little man.
It's day two. I'm working on it. :-)
It's amazing how even on Day ONE, there can be diversions.
I am putting a lot on myself right now because I am unhappy. Unhappy with life in general. But taking a pro-active approach. Weight is right up there with the big ones that I HAVE to change.
BUT, I'm doing a lot more than just trying to lose weight. I'm finishing Graduate school. I've quit smoking. I'm reducing alcohol intake. I'm looking for a job. I've put my one year on in PlayCare, three days a week for three hours a day - to give me more time to do the above things (work out, apply and interview for jobs, go to school).
And my relationship is in an icky place. I asked him yesterday to move out for a bit. Nothing permanent, nothing FOREVER, nothing big. Just some time for us to take a break and get perspective. While we look for counseling options.
Yeah, there's a lot going on.
I don't necessarily want this blog to turn into a rant or ramble about my relationship problems, but I suppose I do have to be honest with myself that there is a lot going on. I have to remain proactive, wake up each day with Goals, little things I can accomplish EACH day, so I feel like I'm succeeding... cause otherwise, it'd be pretty easy to curl up in a little ball under my desk and just hide from life.
I can't do that. No hiding. Embrace! Impower! Change! Make things better! For you, and most definitely, for the little man.
It's day two. I'm working on it. :-)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Day 1
Weight: 196
Goal, to be 150lbs by April 11, 2011.
Today is day 1. I'm not going to keep a daily journal of what I do/what I eat, etc. Man, wouldn't that be boring.
But I have to start somewhere.
Welcome to somewhere. I'm fat today. How are you?
For being day one, I have a few things I'm starting off with:
- Slimfast for bkfst, mainly because I NEED bkfst, which is always the meal that I skip. And that I have an issue with breakfast food in general. Either I want the mucho omelet or fatty waffles. Healthy breakfasts of fruit and BRAN and god-knows what else I've suffered through on "diets", just don't work for me. Slimfast gives me the nutrients I need, and doesn't make me suffer.
- Small, healthy meals. I don't know quite what that means yet. But mainly I'm doing lower fat, smaller portions. Almost a Weight Watchers, without the strictness or weekly meetings. I've got you.
- The AbCirclePro. I dunno if anyone else has gotten sucked into this lil piece of equipment or their charming infomercials.... but I did, and I've got on in my room. Swoosh! Swoosh! I say. I LOVE It! I've already lost a big of inches something on my waist - I can tell cause my jeans fit differently. It's an awesome machine. But I'm going to make myself use it more, use it twice a day, something. REALLY use it.
I quit smoking. Again. I'm on day 3 of that, and so far haven't killed anyone. I was going to go to hypnosis. If I can't make it two weeks without smoking, I'll do hypnosis, but I'm gonna try cold turkey.
Aiding that will be a break from drinking. Again, whatever that means. Not that I'm a huge drinker as it is - I rarely leave the house. But, at least no beers for a while, just to help with no smoking.
Life changes, lady. Say it again and again. LIFE CHANGES.
And other stuff that I'll get around to. I have a jogger stroller and there's one big hill in Medford that my friends are eventually going to make me walk up. And my old friend Cindy Crawford and her dust-filled tapes that, really, were a lot of fun a while ago. I'm sure I'll bring those out.
And hopefully lots of wonderful recipes and other weight-loss blogs to share.
Yay!
Goal, to be 150lbs by April 11, 2011.
Today is day 1. I'm not going to keep a daily journal of what I do/what I eat, etc. Man, wouldn't that be boring.
But I have to start somewhere.
Welcome to somewhere. I'm fat today. How are you?
For being day one, I have a few things I'm starting off with:
- Slimfast for bkfst, mainly because I NEED bkfst, which is always the meal that I skip. And that I have an issue with breakfast food in general. Either I want the mucho omelet or fatty waffles. Healthy breakfasts of fruit and BRAN and god-knows what else I've suffered through on "diets", just don't work for me. Slimfast gives me the nutrients I need, and doesn't make me suffer.
- Small, healthy meals. I don't know quite what that means yet. But mainly I'm doing lower fat, smaller portions. Almost a Weight Watchers, without the strictness or weekly meetings. I've got you.
- The AbCirclePro. I dunno if anyone else has gotten sucked into this lil piece of equipment or their charming infomercials.... but I did, and I've got on in my room. Swoosh! Swoosh! I say. I LOVE It! I've already lost a big of inches something on my waist - I can tell cause my jeans fit differently. It's an awesome machine. But I'm going to make myself use it more, use it twice a day, something. REALLY use it.
I quit smoking. Again. I'm on day 3 of that, and so far haven't killed anyone. I was going to go to hypnosis. If I can't make it two weeks without smoking, I'll do hypnosis, but I'm gonna try cold turkey.
Aiding that will be a break from drinking. Again, whatever that means. Not that I'm a huge drinker as it is - I rarely leave the house. But, at least no beers for a while, just to help with no smoking.
Life changes, lady. Say it again and again. LIFE CHANGES.
And other stuff that I'll get around to. I have a jogger stroller and there's one big hill in Medford that my friends are eventually going to make me walk up. And my old friend Cindy Crawford and her dust-filled tapes that, really, were a lot of fun a while ago. I'm sure I'll bring those out.
And hopefully lots of wonderful recipes and other weight-loss blogs to share.
Yay!
The Goal
Losing weight is the goal.
Great! um......
Starting and stopping diets has been my life. It's SO difficult to even say a goal out loud. I mean, what if I fail? What if I put all this energy out there, and then people get disappointed in me.
This is so often WHY we fail! Because starting off... there's no real hope that it'll ever come true. I mean, I'm hopeful, I'm going out of my way WAY more than I ever have in the past. I have better reasons. But I'm still me - lil ole me who's failed 100 times before.
I'm changing that. I'm starting this WITH energy! WITH excitement! WITH Fun! Not cowering behind a box of Slim-Fast, cringing just at the thought.
NO! This is going to be Good, Fun, Healthy, Empowering, Wonderful, Life-Changing.
This is what I've been screaming to myself (and my one-year old son) all day...
Today, We are Making Changes.
Today, we are Changing Our Life.
And I mean it, damn it.
So... the goal. I weigh 196 lbs today.
I am 5'6" - and should have a comfortable weight around 140.
I am excited, empowered, we are making life changes hooray.... all of that... but... I'm still a wee bit skeered.
My Goal is to be 150lbs by my 35th birthday.
This means losing 46 lbs in 6 months.
That is a A LOT of weight.
Realistically, at one lb a week, roughly 25 weeks.... I could lose 25 lbs by April.
But my goal is to lose 46 lbs. If I've lost 25lbs by April, then we're good and I'll keep on truckin to those 46. But I'm seriously hoping for more than that by April.
There it is.
I want this weight GONE.
I weighed 160 when I was a sophmore in high school.
I weighed 185 almost the entire time I was a music major in college, and got to almost 215 after my mother moved to Oregon when I was 21. That was my highest, and I've come close to being there two times since.
I think for always being heavy, it's maybe more difficult to even SEE yourself as something different. You get okay with all the bullshit in your head... I've never really had a problem with my weight... I've always managed to date and do everything everyone else does.... It's just who I am.
Well, crap on that.
I was 195 when I got pregnant, and 171 when he was born.
I remember 171. I have pictures of me at 171. And it was awesome. It was incredible. I might not remember ever being THIN and 140, but I remember being 170.
I want that back.
And I want more.
46lbs, ya'll. That's the goal.
Great! um......
Starting and stopping diets has been my life. It's SO difficult to even say a goal out loud. I mean, what if I fail? What if I put all this energy out there, and then people get disappointed in me.
This is so often WHY we fail! Because starting off... there's no real hope that it'll ever come true. I mean, I'm hopeful, I'm going out of my way WAY more than I ever have in the past. I have better reasons. But I'm still me - lil ole me who's failed 100 times before.
I'm changing that. I'm starting this WITH energy! WITH excitement! WITH Fun! Not cowering behind a box of Slim-Fast, cringing just at the thought.
NO! This is going to be Good, Fun, Healthy, Empowering, Wonderful, Life-Changing.
This is what I've been screaming to myself (and my one-year old son) all day...
Today, We are Making Changes.
Today, we are Changing Our Life.
And I mean it, damn it.
So... the goal. I weigh 196 lbs today.
I am 5'6" - and should have a comfortable weight around 140.
I am excited, empowered, we are making life changes hooray.... all of that... but... I'm still a wee bit skeered.
My Goal is to be 150lbs by my 35th birthday.
This means losing 46 lbs in 6 months.
That is a A LOT of weight.
Realistically, at one lb a week, roughly 25 weeks.... I could lose 25 lbs by April.
But my goal is to lose 46 lbs. If I've lost 25lbs by April, then we're good and I'll keep on truckin to those 46. But I'm seriously hoping for more than that by April.
There it is.
I want this weight GONE.
I weighed 160 when I was a sophmore in high school.
I weighed 185 almost the entire time I was a music major in college, and got to almost 215 after my mother moved to Oregon when I was 21. That was my highest, and I've come close to being there two times since.
I think for always being heavy, it's maybe more difficult to even SEE yourself as something different. You get okay with all the bullshit in your head... I've never really had a problem with my weight... I've always managed to date and do everything everyone else does.... It's just who I am.
Well, crap on that.
I was 195 when I got pregnant, and 171 when he was born.
I remember 171. I have pictures of me at 171. And it was awesome. It was incredible. I might not remember ever being THIN and 140, but I remember being 170.
I want that back.
And I want more.
46lbs, ya'll. That's the goal.
Mission Statement
It's TIME to lose weight.
Period.
I'd assume that most of us eventually come to this decision, one day where we look at a picture and almost throw up, or our friend/loved one says something just horrible and we try not to cry, or a doctor says something lovely and concerning about our health.
Or all of the above.
Whatever, something happens and it's TIME. It's just... TIME.
I'm hoping that time has come for me.
I mean, who hasn't tried to commit 1000 times?
But I'm really hoping. I'm hoping that because I just spent 10 minutes setting up an email address designed FOR this blog, and am typing away here, and that I intend of posting my ACTUAL WEIGHT and scary pictures of me.... that I'll do it.
I mean, the commitment is brewing. We'll see whether or not it sticks.
I have a goal.
April 14th, 2011
Otherwise known as.... my 35th birthday.
Seems an appropriate time to get healthy, since I'm apparently not getting any younger, and I'm also not on the brink of old-age. So there's time I can actually make a change and it might last!
What is that, April, 2011.... 6 months and 3 days. Wow. I could've put this off for three days and it'd be exactly a year. That would've been cooler. Ah well.
6 months
Lose Weight.
Get healthier.
Get more fit.
Rah! Rah! Rah!
(Gulp!) Here I go! :-)
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